If there's one thing we've learned from science fiction, it's NOT to fuck with the space-time continuum. Sure, time travel sounds like a great idea, in theory. But think about it. Was Sam happy? Yes, Sam from Quantum Leap. Was he? No, he was miserable, bouncing to and fro through time and space, all in an attempt to correct the wrongs of the past. Remember when he leaped into the body of that retarded kid? Do you really think that's what he hoped for when he started experimenting with physics? I seriously doubt it. He was the Sisyphus of String Theory. Learn from his example.
2. Single Moms
We're total fucking badasses. We get more done before 9am then you can muster in your entire pathetic day. We can make breakfast AND lunch simultaneously in less than six minutes. We are always prepared with snacks, wet wipes and succinct answers to our childrens' existensial quandaries. We own the PTA, the grocery store and we're goddamn professionals at reusing, reducing and recycling. If the world were to whither away in a crushing apocalypse, the only people left standing will be single moms and their resourceful-as-fuck children, with a death grip on Glad zipper bags full of tiny tubes of toothpaste, safety pins, band-aids, trail mix, extra pairs of gloves and underwear, and, of course, enough legos to build a brand new house out of.
3. Israel (aka The Jews)
I have to say, I laughed my ass of when, before the election, people started spreading rumors about how Obama was anti-Israel. Ninja, please. Do you really think a Harvard-educated, liberal elite, Smarty McBrainypants like Barack Obama is gonna fuck with The Jews? Hell to the no.
Why?
Easy. He's smart. And smart people don't fuck with Israel. Especially when they're running for president of the United States. And, no, I'm not trying to say that people who fuck with Israel are stupid. I'm not even saying Israel doesn't deserve to be fucked with. I'm just sayin' Israel has guns and bombs and money. Lots and lots of guns and bombs and money. And those resources are all pooled for one cause-- protecting their faith (which, is in fact, their culture.) In America, we have guns and bombs, yes. But is our nationalism as strong as their shared faith? Nope. That's why you don't fuck with The Jews. Because a flag is not as valuable to anyone as a ticket to heaven.
4. Omar
I'm only into Season Two of The Wire, but I know this much: Don't fuck with Omar. This dude carries a shotgun, robs drug dealers and sucks dick. He don't give a FUCK. He will ice you down.
5. Crack cocaine.
Whitney and Bobby, Amy and Blake (Formerly) Incarcerated, Pete Doherty and his cat. Their stories are all cautionary tales. Crack is whack. It is not something you "dabble" in. It will, in a short amount of time, turn you into a paranoid-delusional, manipulative, pathetic freak with bad skin and crazy eyes. Put down the pipe. Or better yet, don't ever pick it up.
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